IT WAS BABIES!! | Tasty Planet #3


(Slams desk) Hello everybody, my name is Markiplier. I’m still playing it’s- ff- I’m not even gonna say what time it is. It’s- ff- late. It’s fucking late. So, here we go. Tasty t-rex, wahHH! Oh god! It’s a master sized hater! Oh is he gonna be on my table the whole time?? Well, good thing I ca- fuck. Hang on. Eat- AH! AHH! My microphone fell! Shit! This is off to a bad start. I’ll be back. I am legitimately devastated! I left my Ass-Ass glasses… …on the plane. That I got off of… FIVE hours ago. (Devastated screaming) I kept them specifically, so that I could pull them out to.. MLLL- block out the haters! I had- I thought of that on the plane! I was like “Heheh, I’m gonna pull these glasses out and jus- make that joke!” (Sad piano music) Fuck it! I’m gonna eat this- I’m gonna eat the shit out of this god damn T-rex. Literally! I’m gonna eat the shit straight out of its butt hole. Ew god what am I talking.. Ah fuck it! Naw I’m goin- I’m committin’! I’m gonna eat the SHIT out of its butt hole! And it’s gonna DIE! You think you can mess with me T-rex? HUH?! I don- I may not have my Ass-Ass glasses, but you better believe.. that you are about to be… eaten. And something’s gonna happen to your butt. I’m not 100% sure what or how… I’m very tired, I may have made promises that I have no intention of keeping. But, if anything that I think- where did you even go guys? See you later haters (Laughs) I literally was thinking about that on the plane. I was waiting for the opportunity that I could do that and the opportunity came now! And I can’t do it! It’s so stupid! Okay anyway So I’m going to just do this with skill Since now I’m going to actually concentrate -I should have had a cup of coffee or something, but I plan to go to bed after this. I actually planned ahead of this ha Ha HA I am… sooo boned I am so boned But that’s okay Because it doesn’t matter Because I’m gonna fucking eat that T-Rex. Tasty son of a bitch and all these stupid dinos ain’t gonna get nothing against me. I mean I guess could go full vegetarian if I wanted to and just eat bushes and stuff I mean- AAAH you’re eaten biatch Wuuarugh OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH I did it. But it’s not the same without my Ass-Ass glasses I CHERISHED those things! How could I leave them on the plane!? I’m so- I AM GENERALLY, AMAZINGLY HANDSOME… …AND STRONG… ..AND AWESOME! But even I… make mistakes. [RIP Ass-Ass Glasses] Alright let’s go. I’m gonna eat my feelings away. And by “eat my feelings,” I mean I’m gonna eat the entire history of… the Earth. Oh, that’s a clever arrangement of spines. Why is that like that that way that it is? Who did this? Huh Very curious. Seems awfully suspicious… Why did I get dropped into this one point in time? This is weeeeird. I mean if you really think about it, like, REALLY think about why this is arranged like this or HOW these dinos died to make this happen and how many severed heads have to be strewn about in such a perfect order It’s legitamately horrifying so we’re just gonna make our way over here- I MEAN I get it, it’s a game. I know. I understand it’s a game. It’s just set up for the sake of game play… But let’s- let’s- let’s- let’s- let’s get ourselves into the reality of it for just a moment and try to comtemplate the how and the why of it Because… the how and the why of it are truly terrifying. What was I talking about? LA LA LA I’m sorry. I mean to sing better than that I actually- I actually can sing better than that And what was th- there was one song that was stuck in my head I don’t listen to a lot of music but there was one song that was definitely stuck in my head, oh god. (singing) AND I’LLLLLLLL BEEEEE… (still singing) BETTER WHEN I’M OLDER- Ah alright whatever, it’s late. Fuck. I CAN SHOUT AS LOUD AS I WANT AS LATE AS I WANT CAUSE NO ONE’S HERE. I’m just surrounded by my crushing loneliness… With no one to share life experiences with… or tELL MY PROBLEMS TO. There’s nothing to ea- oh godammit, screw you. Completionist bullshit. Oh it’s like they arranged this very specifically to be a maze. (groaning) Goddamn unlockable pathways. DLC bullshit. I don’t appreciate it. I don’t like it. I don’t want none of it. Bullshit. There we go now- ah oh oh oh now we’re starting to breakdown the walls of society here. Oh now we’re starting to overthrow the government here. Oh degradation of our moral values and ineptitude… Ohhhh big words. Platitude, platitude I’m a fucking biiiiiiig…. Dick. Idiot. Fuck, my brain not working. Anyway, back to intelligent commentary which is why you guys watch me right? So I’m now eating all of the bones because fuck the mazes and stupidness going on here. Yeah, there ain’t nothing even left! All the careful arrangement or whatever psychopath killed all of- (Dramatic gasping) THERE- IT WAS BABIES. (Markiplier.exe has stopped working) IT WAS BABIES. [They sure were, Mark.] OHHHHHHHH IT WAS BABIES. [Yep.] OHHHHHHHHHHH IT WAS BABIES. Oh no it wasn’t babies. Ohhhh…. it- (relieved Markimoo sigh) It wasn’t babies, that dino just ate those things. Okay. So it was a graveyard in the stomach of another dino and we’re not gonna eAT YOUR BABIES. I’m gonna assume that it was 100% babies Ohhhh god why would a- why would a dino just eat severed heads? OH THAT’S HORRIBLE. [It was the dino age dude] OHHHHHHHHHHH IT WAS BAAAAAAAABIES. IT WAS BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABIES. ALL OF IT WAS BAAAAAAAAAABIES [He’s lost it.] IT WAS BAAAAAAAAAAAAAABIES [Please sleep] FUCK This is not okay for 4:30 in the goddamn morning. Fuck It was babies. [Glad that was covered] What if my neighbor wakes up to me shouting, “It was babies?!” I don’t wanna get the goddamn cops called on me and then I’m gonna be arrested away shouting: “IT WAS BABIES THE WHOLE TIME.” “FUCKING BAAAAABIES.” FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK It was babies. Welp alright then. Them’s the breaks, that’s life I guess. (quietly) What the fuck? Oh god that’s gonna take seven minutes. Eh, let’s do it. I’m- I’m feeling YOLO. I can do it in record time. I dunno how big we’re gonna get in this one, but- I- um- I have a feeling it’s gonna be gargantuan big. It’s gonna be intimidatingly big. It’s gonna be like “Oh I don’t know if I can handle that” big. You know what I mean? You know what I’m-a talking about? I’m still having flashbacks. I mean if you think about, I was complaining about the meticulous layout of an- well of course it was meticulous layout cause the babies were still being made before that dino died. I don’t even know how that dino died. Cause it doesn’t- there seems to seems to a death in this era of time. In the era of happy lounge music. But there seems to be quite a bit of death in a lot of different places that I should be generally perturbed by what’s going on here. And I am! Don’t worry. I am. This is fucking bizarre and bonkers, and everything is going… (confused Mark noises) (even more confused Mark noises) Oh yeah I forgot. I’m pissed off that I left my Ass-Ass glasses. Yeah, so, but on the bright side, I guess, the only shining, uh, light of that is that I, um… I got upgraded to first class because it was delayed so much. So many people, uh, hopped off the plane that basically there was only about 20 of us left on the plane on the way over back to LA. So…. I just so happen to get an upgrade. And I do not fly first class. Um, I’ve been on first class before but I do not fly first class regularly because it’s fucking expensive as hell, but, I- it was an enjoyable experience. And… it was really weird because I can’t drink, uh, for health reasons and- but there’s free booze! They give you free booze and they were VERY insistent about me getting free booze and they were like, “Do you want any drinks? Beer? Wine? Cocktails?” I’m like, “UHHHHHHHH…” I have- I had a bottle of water- cause they put a bottle of water there for you, and that was nice of them, so I was like: “I’ll order of beer,” because I can and then I didn’t drink it and I had to give it back right away because we took off so quickly. Because no one was left at the airport and all the planes were already gone because it was fricking late as frick. How could I get the shrew but not the dragonfly? What a bunch of bullshit. Oww… oh nooooo.. stampede… (mating call noises) Get outta my way. Hater shields at maximum. Oh god. That’s right you better give up. I mean you better give up on a lot of things because you’re not gonna be surviving much longer. I mean it’s admirable! It’s admirable that he’s chasing me down because he might be the only thing that can stop my horrible rampage even though, if he does eat me, I’m just gonna be in his stomach and eat him from the inside out. That sounded mildly sexual but it was not. […] Family-friendly show. As I emphasize the entire time that I was- OHHH so sad for you, you’re deeead. As I emphasize the entire time that I was at Pax, my show’s a family sho- “show” my “show” my “Inane ramblings where I turn on my camera and then upload the horrendous results to Youtube for millions of people to see”- “show” Write out that entire name, that’s the name of my “show…” Oh shit that bird got ate. Oh shit. I ate an eagle. Fucking condor shit. Ohhhh too bad for you. You were trying to eat me and now you’ve gotten eaten. It’s the giant circle of life. Me, specifically. I am the giant circle of life. Or I’m going to be when I get so big that I eventually consume the entire planet. Which is the only end result that this could happen because I’m literally the greatest splerson that- (unintelligable Mark noises) You know who I’ve been watching a lot of lately? Because all I have- ya know, because all I do is watch Youtube Mostly it was Game Grumps, but, uh, actually, uh, started watching I’ve watched them, uh, er, him, er, them I dunno I’ve watched, uh, BroScienceLife a long time ago but then I started watching it, uh, really again when I was back in PAX. And, god, it’s so funny. Like just so unbelievably funny. Like tickles my funny bone in just that way. And it’s such a damn shame cause there’s not that many episodes Whereas something like Game rumps- rumps, “Game Rumps” Those delicious “Game Rumps” You get like… 3 billion videos if you first discover them and that’s like hitting a gold mine and then you watch everything from months and months and months and they get three videos days and it’s so much delicious, delectable content I love the Game Grumps. It’s slightly strange that I’m associating everything with eating and… I don’t wanna eat the Game Grumps. I don’t wanna eat their delicious rumps. That’s not what I want. What I’m trying to say is… (brain loading thoughts please wait) BroScienceLife is a funny- I legitimately forgot what I was talking about. I- I bl- I am blanking. I am on my last leg. I am going- As soon as I shut off the camera here, I am collapsing in- Uh, no first: I’m stripping down naked, collapsing in my bed, and then forgetting all my troubles in La La Land BUT THEN I have to wake up early, to do the editing, and the thumbnails, for this.. …these videos, probably not this one. Whoa my god. I am… just an eco-terrorist. I am horrifying. Oh I’m so fast too! I mean I guess I’d have to be fast. You’d think that a giant blog of gelatinous machines would be a little bit slower than this But hey! What’re you gonna do when the end of the world is nigh, man. Eat some treeeees… I guess. Oh I can eat-? How is that?! How is- how is that?! I don’t- I don’t understand how is that? How is that do the thing? How does that do? WHOOOOOA GOD WHOAAAAAA NELLY WHOA WHOAAAAAA NELLY WHOAAAAA NELLY WHOA OOHHHHHHHhhhh sHiiIt That is a lot of lava flows I will admit. By the wA- MY GOD. HOOOOOLY CRAP Whoa I didn’t mean to do any of this Whoaaaa ‘kay Well We’ve reached a new level of incredible, and this is amazing. And I love it, And my voice is going. I- it is too early to be yelling this much but holy shit what is happening here? (giggling) That’s so cool. It’s so cool, it just reached a level of cool. I’ve reached that point where my vocabulary entirely retains of “It’s” and “So” and “Cool.” And that’s all I’m gonna be saying for the rest of this episode. Op- I ate the volcano! Oh shit Lore… (tired giggling) Okay so we altered the timeline, and then we shrank back into our normal size. Which is good, cause then we could start over again. Going through all of time destroying everything. Sound good? Sound good! So thank you everybody so much for watching. And I will get some sleep immediately after this. But thanks again. And as always, I wil see you… in the next video! Buh-bye!! IT WAS BABIES!

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