HomeArticlesRhino Ninja Watches Space Satellite TV feat. DERebecca, OmniOmegaVoice
Rhino Ninja Watches Space Satellite TV feat. DERebecca, OmniOmegaVoice
December 8, 2019
Oh hey wassup, this Rhino Ninja. And today? We just gonna have a good time. Mmhmm. PSYCH! YOU GETTIN’ NINJA’D! What the heck did you do to this thing? …Nothing. So you Rhino stomped near it. Maybe. You don’t know my life. You know, you’re a couple sandwiches short of a picnic. Man, I don’t even know what that means. I’ll bet. What’s happenin’ duders? Getting my TV service fixed. Tech: Done. Aw snap, you got that new wall TV didn’t you? Shyeeah, ninja! Hey I’ll race you onetwothreeGO! Oh that is NOT fair! [sighs heavily] You’re welcome… Let’s do this. Good evening. I’m Corpus Crewman and this is Corpus News Nightly. The news tonight: A local Cetus Tenno has speared a massive Goopolla fish. The gargantuan catch weighed in at just over 37 kilos. When reached for comment, DE Steve had this to day: Goopolla? Ugh…man… This is certainly a FISHY turn of events! Man, now what am I looking at here? It’s pretty catchy. Yeeuh, ninja. Did you know that 3 of every 4 Tenno have no idea what color blocking is? They’ve never even seen a syandana. For just 10 platinum a month, you too can sponsor one our fashion deficient Tenno. After TFFI, I now have this awesome scarf! I look cool now! …right? Call today, and sponsor a fashion-deficient Tenno now, with Tenno Fashion Frame International. Is that… Mr. Producer Man? … Both: Naaaaah… When we needed a home for pops, we didn’t know what to do. It’s tough to find a home for family, so here, we are a family. Here at the Cetus Tenno retirement home, our trained professionals are working hard to ensure your loved ones get the care they need. They’ve been able to provide things for pops we never could back at the dojo. Pops loves our bird hunting program. Our residents also enjoy: Spear fishing, Mining of Minerals, and even a prototype flight program. I’m just happy that my dad’s found a good home. Cetus: A Tenno Retirement Community Stop being low energy, Tenno. You need: TENNO VITALITY Tenno Vitality is an all-natural organically grown chemical synthesis of… …awesome ingredients painstakingly farmed from the Plains of Eidolon. Tenno Vitality is so awesome, Rhino Ninja mainlines it. Yeeuh! Even the Lotus approves! I am the Lotus, and I approve this message. Wait, what did you say this was for again? TENNO VITALITY! In the criminal justice system the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups. The Tenno who investigate crime, and the Arbiters of Hexis… …who have a syndicate room that looks like a court. These are their stories. *dun* *dun* Look man, I didn’t even do anything. And what does ‘stare decisis’ even mean? Okay as your lawyer I think you should basically shut up and let me talk. I mean, is that like an Egyptian god or something? Calling docket number two two niner whisky tango foxtrot. Loki, Conspiracy. Man I told you people to stop calling me that! God, if you’re real, please help me keep Loki from going to prison because of his big mouth. And sorry for stealing Rhino Ninja’s lunch. Uh, sincerely, Volt? Mister Loki… You are charged with three hundred and forty seven counts of conspiracy to commit wire fraud… …under the computer fraud and abuse act of nineteen thousand eighty six. How do you plead? Whoa whoa, wait a minute, wire fraud? That wasn’t in the original documents. Counsel, your client accessed a protected system housing over fifteen hundred Tennos’ financial information. You hacked a bank across state lines!? Fifteen hundred and seven. [comical surprised murmuring] How does your client plead? Not guilty! [Volt charging his ult] Conspiracy Loki, you are found guilty on all counts, and you cannot operate a computer or a touch tone telephone until the day of your 18th birthday. They’re trashing the flaw data! Hack the planet! Hack the planet! Rhino Ninja: Man, isn’t that you? Loki: Well I’m sittin’ right here, aren’t I? Rhino Ninja: Fair enough, but you lookin’ a fool right there. Loki: Oh is this that new show? I heard it was gonna be sweeeet maaaan~ RN: Yeeuh, ninja! RN: Man, Inaros be on point, but I’ve seen this already. It’s like you gotta put in the work to be this ninja. It hurts. But you know what they say. You ain’t feeling that pain, you ain’t gettin’ no gains. Oh hey wassup, this Rhino Ninja, and you actually gonna learn to be ninja today! Alright, fools, let’s get started. Uh. Now rule number one, you do not stop moving, understand? Ey ninja, you feeling that burn? Oh yea, I’m feeling the burn already! Yea, yea, real ninja, save some of that. How about you dawg? I’m ready for those gains! Right on! Then let’s get right into it. Aaaaaand, now… [Eclipse Narta intensifies] A Corpus News Network exclusive, is Archwing safe? We report, you decide. To answer this question we go live to our correspondent just outside Earth’s atmosphere. Willy: Hello, Corpus Crewman! Crewman: Willy, tell us; is that Archwing safe? W: Oh yes, it’s perfectly sa…. Crewman: No Willy you’re supposed to… [scoffs] W: What? Oh did I say something wrong? [quietly] Crewman: Jeff, just cut his stablizer. Crewman: Hold on just a moment there, Willy! W: Hey what did you sasaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Crewman: As you can see, a menace to society. Rhino Ninja: Uhhh…. Rhino Ninja: Now what am I supposed to do here? Loki: Type “cookie” you idiot. Rhino Ninja: Well, I guess we’re done here. Okay, we at that time where Rhino Ninja reads his fan mail. Let’s see what we got today. Dear Mr. Ninja. Again, Mr. Ninja was my father, you can just call me ‘That raddest dude ever’ or ‘Rhino Ninja’. Anyways. Well Mr. Lithium Ion, I’m glad you watch the show! What with Rhino Ninja being the most ninja type ninja round these parts, can you blame people for watchin’ the show, I mean, I’m amazing. And my team? Well good help is hard to find. And Faulty Frame Squad? Hrm. I’ll put in a good word to Mr. Producer Man. I have it on good authority that that show was high quality. As for suicide, Rhino Ninja got a healthy sense of self-worth. I DO WHAT I WANT…. ow… Snarky Helios: By sense of self worth he means blatant disregard for personal safety. Okay das all we got time for today. Back to what we do best, killin dudes, lookin good. And as always Tenno… Stay ninja.